Diary of a Cranky Cat: RUDE! RUDE! RUDE!

Dear Diary,

I don't know where to begin!!!! I've never been so angry at Momma!!!!  I paced back and forth on the kitchen floor, wildly flapping my tail.

"Take it back!  You march right down to that store and you take it back!!!!"

Momma sat at the kitchen table looking amused.  Rude!  "I can't take it back."

"Return to sender!  Void the transaction! Cancel the sale!  Report your credit card as stolen!  DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!!!!"

Momma laughed at me.  "Silly girl.  I can't take it back. It's done.  All sales are final.  No exchanges.  NO RETURNS!"

I jumped onto the kitchen table, walked right up to Momma and looked her straight in the eye.  "You cannot have another Little Thing.  I don't have the first Little Thing litter box trained yet.  This is a total disaster!  The world is coming to an end!"

"What's coming to an end?"  Little Missy wandered, uninvited, into the kitchen.  "What are you whining about?"

I turned to her, "Momma and Boy-Dadda ran off and ordered another Little Thing WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!"

Little Missy cocked her head to one side.  "Momma?  You got the Little Thing a minion?  That's nice!"

"THAT'S NICE????  Are you insane???  The first Little Thing tries to put my tail in his mouth."

"Well there's no accounting for taste."  Little Missy yawned, clearly undisturbed by this information.  Moron!

"No accounting for taste?  I'll have you know that I taste exquisite!"

"You're as appetizing as a moldy prune!"

Dear Diary,

The conclusion of this entry has unfortunately been delayed on account of the fact that I have to kill Little Missy.

Sincerely,

Gwennie

Gwennie's Letter to Grandma

Dear Grandma,

This letter is to inform you that I have received your numerous requests for me to write a blog.  After carefully considering each request, I have decided to deny ALL of them for the following reasons:

1.  You can't rush genius - especially when genius is Gwennie.

2.  My tail is once again sad and unfortunate looking and needs my assistance.  I'm considering having it permed.

3.  I haven't napped on my left side yet.

4.  Little Missy is ugly and it's very distracting.

And now for the most important reason of all

5.  I DON'T WANT TOO!!!!! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! 

Sincerely,

Gwendolynn Anne Marie Stefani Collins Silver - Supervisory Cat-in-Charge

P.S.

My birthday is right around the corner.  Don't forget to send me a present.

Gwennie's Rules for Twitter

From Freedigitalphotos.net

Dear Twitter Peeps...or should I say tweets. (Ha! Ha!)  I've recently encountered a number of disturbing messages sent to my twitter account and I feel the need to inform you of the following rules I've established.

1. I'm a cat! I'm not interested in any of your advertisements...unless you're selling puff balls.

2.  When I was little, Momma took me to the vet and a special surgery performed that basically left me asexual.  Therefore, I have no interest in seeing your dirty pictures or purchasing any device to "turn me on".  DISGUSTING!!!!

3.  I don't know what a penis is.  Please stop asking me if I'd like to enlarge it.

4.  To the women who want to show me their boobs.  Seriously?  You only have two of them.  Is that really supposed to impress me? I have six of them. Put your shirts back on and go out and get a real job - with medical benefits.  I don't think anyone should look that swollen.

5.  I don't care if someone is spreading nasty blogs about me.  I'm a cat!

6.  Regarding the allegedly nasty pics of me floating around the Internet - Seriously?  The nastiest picture out there is of me with my belly fully exposed and ready to be rubbed.

If all of my faithful Twitter fans would be so kind as to follow these rules life will be much better for everyone - especially me.

You are all very welcome!

Gwennie

Gwennie's Response to a Blog Comment

Dear Diary,

Boy oh boy do I have a whopper for you.  Last night I received a comment on my blog.  The post was the one where I thought Momma was going to take me for a walk and then didn't.  The mere thought of it still breaks my heart.

I was anxious and excited to read what one of my gazillion fans had to say about it. 

Here is what was written:

To manage your Business accounting services profitably, you need the correct and accurate financial data, advice and services. iAct provide you with the accounting, bookkeeping, tax, payroll, business consultation and other business services you need most to run your business smoothly. You can depend on us, we give top priority to your business and respond promptly with services specifically suited to your accounting, payroll and tax needs. We wish great success to your business

As you probably have guessed I have a few problems with this comment.

First:  The individual writing it never said how sorry he was about my heartache, pain, sorrow and misery - RUDE! An offer of a cyber hug or shoulder to cry on would've been nice.

Second:  Unless there is a mind-manipulation device I can use to control Momma and Boy-Dadda then the only business service I have any interest in is the one that keeps my litter box clean and my food dish full.  I should think that would be obvious.

Third:  I'M A CAT!!!!  What kind of dumb ass sends a cat an advertisement? And what financial data is he talking about?  Am I supposed to start counting my kibbles?

Diary,

I have come to the conclusion that my hair balls possess more intelligence than some humans do.

This is Gwennie - Signing off!

Diary of a Cranky Cat - I thought I was going for a walk!

Dear Diary,

Momma did it again.  She broke my heart into a gazillion pieces.  Today I overheard her telling someone on the phone that she was taking the baby for walk.  I got all excited.  I ran upstairs to clean my sad and unfortunate-looking tail so that it would be perfect for our walk outside.

Then I trotted downstairs and climbed into the stroller.  I was all set to go.

See, here am I.  This photo displays my left side because my left is my good side.  I feel it's important to point that out.

As I was getting settled in my stroller, Momma came out of the kitchen and laughed at me.  "What are you doing, silly girl?"

What am I doing?  What is she doing?  We're supposed to go for a walk and the Little Thing is in the kitchen.  She needs to put him in his crib-cage upstairs so we can leave.  If she lets him run loose something bad could happen.  He could poop on the floor.  Or worse, he could poop in my litter box.  That would be awful.  "I'm getting ready for our walk," I informed her.

"Um...." she began.

"Um, um, it sounds so dumb," I sang.  "Instead of saying um why don't you just pause." I know it doesn't rhyme but that's okay because I'm Gwennie and I don't have to.

"The thing is," she continued.  "I wasn't going to take you for a walk."

"What do you mean?"  This was very confusing to me.  "You said you were going to take the baby for a walk.  I heard you on the phone.  I'm the baby.  Let's go for a walk."

Momma chewed her lip.  "When I said baby, I meant the Little Thing."

There you have it, Diary.  One little sentence completely devastated me.  I may have to move back in with Grandma.  It's very sad and unfortunate...just like my tail....and Little Missy.

Gwennie's Resolution to the Little Thing Dilemma

"Momma!"

"Yes, Gwennie."  Geeze.  I'm surrounded by things yelling at me.  If it's not the baby than it's Gwennie or Little Miss.

"You seem overwhelmed.  Are you overwhelmed Momma?"  Gwennie sat on the kitchen floor, flopping her tail around while I fed Baby.

"No.  I'm fine.  Why do you ask?"

"Well," Gwennie jumped up on the table and sat down.  Baby smiled and laughed when he saw her. "It's just that ever since the Little Thing came into our home, you're constantly busy.  You can hardly sit down before he yells at you for something. It just doesn't seem fair."

She's up to something.  Where's she going with this?  "That's life.  It's not always fair; but I enjoy it."  I smiled at her, trying not to let her know that I was on to her.

"You're a very good sport Momma.  But I was thinking," Gwennie stood up and walked over to me.  She lowered her head - it was her way of politely requesting a head rub.  "Life would be so much easier if we got rid of the Little Thing."

"We're not getting rid-"

"Just hear me out," she interrupted.  "He's been mobile a lot lately.  What if we just left the front door open and turned our backs on him?  Maybe he'd crawl outside.  No harm no foul."

"No."  I shook my head and wiped the baby's formula-sweet potato collection off of his face.  "It would take him too long to crawl outside. What if Evil twin got inside while we were waiting for him to escape?"

Gwennie sighed.  "Momma.  The Little Thing is just a little thing.  You can't expect miracles from him.  We'll put him in the hallway close to the door.  That way he wouldn't have to work so hard to get outside."

"Gee.  Let me think about that....um.....NO!"

"Why?"

"What do you mean, Why?  He's my baby."

"I'M THE BABY!"

Sigh.  "He could get hurt.  He could get hit by a car."

"Well then he'd learn the hard way to look both ways before crossing the road."

"Gwennie!"

"WHAT?!"

"The Little Thing is staying.  If you don't like it, I'll leave the door open and YOU can go run outside."

"Don't be silly, Momma.  I'm an indoor cat.  I don't go outside.  It's dirty."

Oh for the love of pecan pie!  What will she up with next?

Conversations I have with my cat

"Gwennie!"  I trotted downstairs looking for my cat.  "It's time to work on your blog!" 

Gwennie was half asleep on the back of the sofa, her tail flopping gently against it. "What?!  I'm busy."

"You're not busy, you're sleeping."

"That's the same thing."  Gwennie stood up, turned around and sat back down again.  "Leave me alone."

"It's time to write your blog."  I sat down on the couch and opened my netbook.  "Come on!  You've been sleeping all day."

She lifted her head up and gave me her famous cranky look.  "Yeah!  On my left side.  In a minute I'm going to roll over and sleep on my right side.  Geeze!"  She sighed.

"Well...take a break from napping so we can work on your blog."  The chime on my netbook alerted me that it was finally done booting up.

"I can't take a break.  I'm on a tight schedule."

"What schedule?  You don't have a schedule.  You sleep all day, every day."

"That's not true!" She cranked.  "After I'm done sleeping I'm going upstairs to get dinner.  Then, I'm  going to walk back downstairs and brush my teeth against the couch - five times on each side of each tooth.  After that I'm going to clean my tail."  She grabbed her tail with her front paws.  "It's really quite pitiful-looking."

Now it was my turn to sigh.  "Okay.  After all that then can we work on your blog."

"No." She pouted.  "I'm not in the mood.  And, remember Momma, you can't rush genius; especially when genius is also known as Gwennie."

Well there you have it - a cat with a diva attitude.